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Wednesday, February 28, 2007 tossing and turning. thinking and thinking.
i'm super stressed. over some little things that i could have done earlier. Like the preparations for the English oral and the research i could have done MUCH MUCH earlier for Geography assignment. So, I'm now rushing all those in one night and one morning. how great.
kendra, you suck.
I hear it everywhere. Stress is normally contributed by oneself... yeah. i contributed the stress to myself. Goodness. How i wish i would just heck care those marks that i'm going to get for English oral and for the Geography assignment. but i can't. goodness. I can't let Nicole down by not doing my part for the assignment. Neither can i fail ANYMORE subjects for this CA.
Failing Higher Chinese is enough. Surprising huh? Yes. I failed my chinese. Wow wow wow. now everybody is super demoralised and depressed about their Chinese results. To think that i'm actually comforting them and encouraging them when even i myself felt that pain. It's about pride. Arrogance. Pride. Have you people ever thought why you would fail?
It sucks to fail. everybody knows. Especially when you think that you can do much better in that subject. So. what are you going to do? pout for the rest of the year? Just keep thinking "i have failed chinese... i have failed chinese..."? WAKE UP. It doesn't mean that you have failed completely as long as you stand up and work harder for the next test. Secondary 3 life is tough. i know. it sucks at times. but only with the change of attitude, then you can see the beauty of life.
oh right. to think that i'm actually typing all these at 4 am in the morning -_-" I'd better go finish up what i wanted to finish at this unearthly hour.
she thinks. she speaks. she smiles. she walks away.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
12 people in 3M are genuinely sick today and all had either cramps or flu or for Cheryl's case, knee pain. Cheryl toldme not to take P.E. today as she didn't want me to get sicker and continue spreading the virus that is around 3M now,since i haven't fully recovered from flu (and i sound HORRIBLE.). so i didn't. and i don't know why. EVERYBODY seems sick now. Many had headache, flu, stomach cramps. So, 4 didn't take P.E. today, 4 were in Sickbay during P.E., 2 or 3 were down with really bad stomach cramps after running awhile. Everybody was really ill. The morale was low... the atmosphere was disgustingly low. Everybody was so gloomy. haha. Cheryl will then say.. "Thanks to WHO huh?!" and look at me with the smirk. Yes, yes. I know. it's all my fault. i'm the one who went to school sneezing and coughing and causing you all to be down with flu... haha. So. Lesson learnt. Do not go to school when you're sneezing and coughing and having fever.
HAHA. then i wouldn't have gone to school for the whole month already. I HAVEN'T RECOVERED YET!
Had to clean the floor of the back of the canteen this afternoon due to the spillage of paints yesterday while painting the Family Night Banner. and WHOA. The smell of turpentine sucks. The smell is still on my hands.... urgh. oh well, at least WE ROCK! we've cleaned up most of the painted floor and it looks less... painted. haha. And the lousy black paint actually helped in removing the better paints. hahaha. OH WELL. haha.
Hmm. Alright. I've gtg chiong for school work now. Die. i hate research.
oh. just one thought... why isit that people are so two-face-ddouble-faced? they smile at you when they see you, but they probably roll their eyes after they walked passed you. do you do that to your "friends" too?
Monday, February 26, 2007 you speak. you speak and YOU SPEAK. how many times do you want to hint to me? how long do you want to comment? i'm sick and tired of hearing from you. Everyday. While watching tv, while talking, while EVERYTHING. i hate it. i really hate it. have you ever thought of how you'd feel when you're in my ... FLIP FLOPS? (gah) I know. i should not be so self-centred and think about it in YOUR point of view. i know... i know your concern. but HELLO. i have my own life. i've got to make my decision. STOP TRYING TO CHANGE MINE. argh. i try to not listen, try to be indifferent. but i can't alright. and all you do is just talk. and talk. and talk. i'm sick and tired of it already. just shut up. PLEASE SHUT UP.
it suddenly seems so hard to love you. everybody loves their ******. except for me i guess. i'm starting to dislike you. haha. yep. and i don't feel any guilt about it.
i'm sorry about the rantings once again. it's just that, i can't find anybody to rant to. (except for my beloved blog HA HA) sorry.
What A Friend We Have in Jesus
What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear! What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer! O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere? We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer. Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share? Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care? Precious Savior, still our refuge; take it to the Lord in prayer. Do thy friends despise, forsake thee? Take it to the Lord in prayer! In his arms he'll take and shield thee; thou wilt find a solace there.
We sang this song during Chapel this morning and it really encouraged me in everyway. it reminded me that... yeah. Jesus called us His friend, told those who are weary and burdened to go to Him and He will "give you rest".(Matt 11:28-30) So why are we still struggling without our own burdens and not submitting it all to Him?
I finally bought my waterbottle... and it cost me $5.95... okay. i'm being aunty-fied here. but it's okay.. haha. it's a pooh one. it can cheer me up in school hahaha. Chinese New Year visiting was fun yesterday. Ate and ate and ate. goodness. time to jian3 fei2. haha. Went to Maylin's house then the Soon's house then Linghui's house then Weifeng's and lastly Clement's house. It was a really nice feeling to go visiting together with the YMers haha. It was a sense of warmth. haha. i don't know. maybe it's just me.
I'm supposed to be home to study Chemistry and Geography. but eh. HMM.. hahaha. okay okay. i'd go study soon.
Fine. i shall do it now :D goodbye!
i'm not a superhero girl. one after another it comes. what do you want from me, world? WHAT DO YOU WANT? "it's only the beginning of the year for goodness sake. what is wrong with life?"
Friday, February 23, 2007 Sometimes, i try giving myself excuses to have moodswings. "you're PMS-ing. you'd get over it" "it's just part of life" "you are just at the age that you'd get unstable emotions"
Sometimes, i try really hard to make myself happy when my moodswings low. "you are my sunshine..." "ha ha ha ha"
When i do get moodswings, i'd suddenly look down on myself and try to swing it high again. "why are you being so emo like the other people?" "what are you doing? trying to attract attention by being low? get a life!"
Ardnek is scolding Kendra. oh great. sometimes, i just feel like giving up. It's not that i've thought of anything. Or ANYTHING, A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G happened. My mood just SWINGS. argh. "what is happening to you?" i don't know. growing up?
I've got a great family. i've got great friends. i am blessed. why aren't I acting like i am?
Maybe i should just stop all these. you must be sick of reading. i'd recover. Life still rocks. it really still does :)
eat eat eat. de-stress de-stress de-stress.
let's see.. the amount of junk food Kendra ate today. at 4.30 am while studying for social studies: dark chocolate at 6am in the morning after breakfast: a piece of pineapple tart at 5pm during CCA: a few love letters at 6.53pm after dinner: kit kat
oh man oh man... HELP i'm getting addicted to junk food which is... :/ I DONT WANT TO GROW FAT. considering the fact that i HAVE already put on weight and grown fat. I WANT TO JIAN FEI -_- and how dumb. i've not recovered yet and i've already eaten so much junk. this is crap. oh help oh help. I need to go for some rehab. It's really contradicting. my reason for not going running is because i'm sick. AND I'M EATING JUNK WHEN I AM SICK?? oh crap. what am i thinking?
okay. so no more junk food, kendra. no more junk. you shall eat proper meals and sleep well, rest well and recover. and you can go running.
RAH RAH RAH diet diet diet! DE-STRESS!
don't be surprised. i'd leave one day.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
*sniff* *sniff* My nose is super blocked now. grr. And as expected, i didn't go to school today AGAIN. yep. again. I've been missing school every 2 weeks either on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. Maybe next time i can try monday and friday -_-" .
And why didn't i go to school? haha. cause i'm down with f-l-u again. yep. the flu bug doesn't seem to stop bugging me. It's annoying as i'm never fully recovered before i fall sick again. Now i really wish that i would be attacked by some dengue fever or stomach flu or whatever and go to the hospital and be able to stay there for a week or so to recover fully before i do anything. Staying at home doesn't really help...
My mom says that it is most probably because of stress that's why i've fallen sick. And i think my parents are alittle "traumatised" by me running into their room after having a nightmare last night. My dad thinks that it was because of Sec 2 adventure camp -_-. Man, why would i be traumatised by it... -_- and now he's being hesitant about allowing me to go OBS. RAH. overprotective I mean, i'd rather be traumatised than to not go. hahaha.
Hmm. Maybe the reason why i'm sick again IS because of stress. hmm... hahaha. Whatever. "don't think about it, Kendra". Yep.
oh, but really.. thinking back. I really want to sheng1 ge4 da4 bing4 and end up in hospital and rest there. I heard that you would lose weight when you stay in the hospital too. hahaha.
my heart starts to beat quickly. i feel like giving up... hold on!
Went out with Linghui and Minghui yesterday to watch Just Follow Law. HAHAHA Was quite an... ... interesting show. But i really hated the ending. Super dumb and lame. -_- oh well, go watch it if you're interested to know what the ending is... haha.
Hmm. And i spent my time watching JJ Lin Jun Jie's concert on Channel U on Monday. haha. i was practically going crazy about him playing the piano. hahaha. I don't know why, but it's really nice to see guys playing the piano... to me la. hahaha. I remember being mesmorised by JJ playing on Jin1 Qu3 Jiang3 a few years back... ... ... ... ... ...
Okay. back to reality. Didn't do really much on the second day of new year. Chinese New Year seems to get pretty... boring sometimes. especially when you don't get to go visiting. So far, i've only visited 2 houses. Hmm. Oh well. nevermind. At least i got some rest during this holidays. Now, it's time to start my engine and start chiong-ing for studies.
Oh. hahaha. and i'm down with F-L-U again. Now, i was watching "stress out" on MobileTV on some bus the other time and they said that Flu is caused by virus so antibiotics are quite useless. I think so too :P i was only well for... 2weeks. and now i'm down with flu again. haha. Hmm. oh well, at least i've got this chance to lose some weight HAHA :P nah. jk.
"Get Well soon, Kendra" thanks :D
Monday, February 19, 2007
yes. i'm pissed with you. all of you.
i know that i'm blessed with people who're available to give advices. but. haven't they ever thought, why isit that only when i'm in a certain situation that they suddenly want to show care and concern? why isit that only when i say that i want to get bang-ed by a car that they come messaging me to tell me how "treasured" i am? why isit that only when i blog about sad stuff that they'd start becoming worried?
i know. it speaks for myself too. we say that we care for that person but ONLY when they are in need. when they are happy and laughing and jumping up and down,we think that they're crazy. we say that we want to listen to that person. but ONLY when they have problems to share... when they filled with excitement and joy and finding people to share that joy with, we get so caught up with our own feelings, thoughts and etc that we just pretend to listen and do not really know the details of what they're so happy about. we say that we pray for that person. but ONLY when you know that they're about to leave God, about to lose themselves, when they ask you for help, that you cry out to God for help. Praying that they'd come back again. ever prayed for their joy? for their excitement? for their bubbly character? Give thanks for having them adding colours to your lives?
how nice are we as friends huh. thanks friends. thanks.
hmm. now, shall i assume what you'd say? "at least.... ... ..." haha.
HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR! how've your first 2 days of new year been? mine has been pretty... alright. not very boring, not eventful either... Well, thanks to all those chinese new year goodies, i'm now falling sick again. Went to see my great grandma yesterday at my granduncle's house. she's looks really ill and really thin now that it really saddens me. and today, we went to the old folk's home to see my grandma's brother... who's also my grand uncle...
After visiting those two elderlys, i just got reminded how blessed i am. how depressing chinese new year would be if they didn't have loved ones visiting them. i'm glad that i had a chance to visit them :)
my mood has been going up and down nowadays... although it's supposed to be a happy occasion and i'm supposed to be happy that it's finally a holiday, i'm starting to hate public holidays. not only because shops are not opened, sometimes, being home with your parents aren't very joyous.
Let's not talk about it. have fun people!
Saturday, February 17, 2007 i've finally finished buying what i want to buy for Chinese New Year! Cheers! hahaha and my mom's really generous this year. she bought 4 tops and 3 bottoms in total for me this new year... "cause some clothes can't be bought next time when you want it" haha. wow. suddenly so understanding. oh well. she herself bought many many MANY clothes too... :P
Hmm. let's see. my cousins are already here for Reunion dinner. this years seems to be.. weird. it's probably because one of my cousins have gone to Australia to study early in this year and she's not here this year for chinese new year and... it just seems quieter. besides, my great grandmother seems to be really ill that she isn't here this year for new year and we've got to go to our granduncle's place to see her... ... .. :/ I guess this year's new year would be a quieter one *shrugs*
Friday, February 16, 2007
You had the feeling that everybody was out to get you out of your "happy" state and pull you right down to your "depressed" state? You struggle. You push away those hands. you struggle and try to get away. after being tortured for so long, you've decided to let go. you've decided to keep calm. you decided to let them continue pulling you down. you started to feel numb to the feeling once called pain. you let them continue pull you down. they slit you, they punch you, they kick you, they torture you. they're finally happy with the state you're in, they let you go. you stood, wanting to go back to the "happy" stae. somehow, the way back to the "happy" state seems so long... you start to panic. After panicking for so long, you've decided to relax. started to ignore. you found a mask on the floor. you pick it up. you put it on. It was the mask of you in the "happy" state.
they come back once again, seeming like they want to help you. they sense something about you and tries to pull you back to "happy" state. you walk willingly with them, happy that somebody's guiding you back.
However, the cuts are still there. the depression never fades. you're never you again. you found out that you don't enjoy being there already.
she puts on her track shoes. she starts to run. she gets bang. she dies.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
i'm starting to get emo... again. i know. i'm sorry. urgh. "what's wrong with you, Kendra?" "You have issues!" right. it's one of those days that i felt so high yet low that i couldn't laugh or cry honestly. I need to scream it out Scream it out SCREAM IT OUT.
please. don't ask anymore. i don't want to tell you. don't. just let me be myself. for once. please?
i want my sunshine. i want my sunflower.
wishing and hoping and dreaming...
"Happy Valentine's Day!" Today was filled with love.. chocolates and cookies and brownies and flowers and balloons around. wow wow wow. Somehow, although i'm quite happy that i've received quite a few gifts, there was something ugly about this day. and after this day has "ended", the voice in my head shouted "I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY" Oh well. what IS the importance of this day anyway? it's just like some friendship day haha.
Was super disappointed that there wasn't firedrill today. :/ We all hoped that there was.. since A Math test was the first period of the day and it was rumoured that fire drill will be first thing in the morning. Oh well. What a disappointment. Well, all i know is that i'd fail pretty badly for A Math. :( maybe i should get some tuition or something.)
... It's only wednesday today. ARGH. i can't wait till friday!!! Goodness. why does it seem like time is crawling so slowly this week? :/
confused. bothered. tired. stressed. annoyed. agitated. what adjectives can i have? suicidal? the ugliness of life. ... i need a break. put on my track shoes.
there she goes...
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
it always seem like whenever i feel depressed or something, Blogger will somehow be disconnected and i wouldn't be able to blog about my feelings... :/
" then you can forget about the unhappy things" ... maybe.
Anyway, we've changed modules for PE today. Umm, i'm not sure if i've said it before... For PE this part of the year, we would be doing different modules of different games such as handball, netball, floor ball, volley ball and basketball and we are allowed to choose the prefered games that we want to play. So, i have been in the Netball module for the past 4 weeks and now we're to switch modules and i ended up in the Basketball one. First lesson was pretty alright. Though tiring -_- (must be the long walk yesterday from Marymount Road back home that resulted in the tiredness) and pretty rough. I still prefer Netball. haha. At least we have restrictions about defending and stuff... oh well.
Hmm...it's valentine's day tomorrow and Tricia Wong bought a pink balloon today and didn't know what to do with it and she gave it to me for valentine's day. haha. THANKS TRICIA! and Grace said she wanted to give me something for valentine's day too. Now, i feel guilty. i haven't even prepared gifts yet... ... ... :X
she'd continue laughing and smiling. life goes on.
Monday, February 12, 2007
I have a Maker He formed my heart Before even time began My life was in his hands
He knows my name He knows my every thought He sees each tear that falls and He hears me when I call
I have a Father He calls me His own He'll never leave me No matter where I go
Saturday, February 10, 2007 i really want to worship You dear Lord.
stress. stress. more stress. warning: Kendra is going to burst in a few minutes time due to stress. Please do not get too near her. I hate being contradicting sometimes. I don't dislike being more matured now, but i hate being CONTRADICTING. it's like, i want to complain about something, then i would think that it's actually not as bad as how i think it is. Sometimes i feel like just rant about stupid things but i would stop cause there seems to always be a good side to things. GAH. why is life so... complicated?
if there wasn't any grey zone between good and bad, yes and no (and not maybe) etc etc. i'm so sick of life... but.. life is great! HA. contradicting right?
grr. I should just go knock my head and die.
Friday, February 09, 2007
sometimes, people just do not know how to appreciate. and it really annoys me. i mean, comparing a person who has done much worse than you, his/her attitude is much better. and people are just being concerned here HELLO.
It sucks to be the lowest among those whom you've always been comparing with. I KNOW. but can't you just... g;lasn;pvoihnv. grr. i shan't comment.
i don't want to comment. what's this post for. BLAH.
thanks for not putting that trust in me. thanks. THANKS THANKS.
"she stays alone in the corner observing the happenings. she cries on her way back home. she sits on the swing and starts wishing. that he was there. she smiles and laughs as per normal. "
it's finally FRIDAY! YAY! oh my goodness. thinking about the crazy start of the week... all those stress that i felt. haha.
Well, it's great to know that the weekend's nearing!:D
I miss listening to 93.3fm. I missed listening to those chinese songs and laughing at the dj's jokes and getting updated about the happenings around. although most are like, pretty gossipy. oh well. i'd like to know EVERYTHING...
anyway, the olevel results are OuT! goodness. i'm like so excited for nothing. hahaha. My teachers were telling us that we should go to the hall and see the reactions and tell ourselves whether if we want to be the one crying in the corner or the one jumping for joy... Uh, well, i didn't exactly see anybody crying at one corner. only one, who scored 9A1s calling her parents and seemed like she was going to cry. That's alright. she got 9A1s! -_-
oh well, i can't wait till my turn to do my o levels. i can't wait to leave secondary school. hahaha. Ok... i know. i should treasure the time in secondary school... ... Well, i'm not saying that i'm not going to! haha!
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
my God is so BIG so STRONG and so MIGHTY there's NOTHING my God CANNOT DO!
this song has been ringing in my head since i woke up. i was somehow reminded by this simple children's song that God is in control of everything... I've been feeling stressed these few days due to homework and stuff and i couldn't take it anymore yesterday. I felt like i was about to burst. The pressure in Kendra the balloon is increasing and increasing and so much that i'm going to burst. somehow, i just couldnt take the pressure inside me. I had so many things to do at one go and i didn't know what to do. There were so many things in my mind that i couldn't process all of them properly.
hahaha. there was just this sense of desperateness of reliving all my pressure. i have cried, i have screamed, i have shopped, yet it wasn't relived yet. However, i decided to turn to God. It wasn't an instant relief... but it was a different kind of relief. And it was then that i realised that i haven't exactly submitted the control of my life over to Him yet... (although i always prayed that i am "submitting")
It then leads to a point that i have been noticing... There are many hypocritical Christians around. people who claim that they are christian who do things that are... un-christian-like.When we say that we're Christians, do we still go around telling lies, hurting others with words, cheating... etc. etc.?
Anyway, have read mabel's blog and it reminds me. Valentine's day is nearing! hahaha. and we've all got dates... ... ... WITH OUR TEXTBOOKS. so fun so fun. what a great date... okay la. at least i'd be studying with History not other subjects. hahaha.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Having your brain fried 2 days in a row isn't a nice feeling. My brain got fried after yesterday's meeting and the continuous of attempting maths question today from 0900hours till 1220hours. IT REALLY SUCKS. By the end of E Maths lesson today, my brain was blank. My head started to ache...
I was ranting about how black this Monday is... thanks to Maths. but somehow, i just got reminded about how many more things there are to be thankful for than to complain about. Well, at least the sun was out today, it wasn't raining when i was walking home, i could feel the breeze, i could THINK, i could have chapel service early in the morning on a Monday which is really a privillege that others might not have... etc etc. WHY SHOULD I BE COMPLAINING?
So, i still have to say, although there was alot of thinking needed (and i probably don't think as much during normal days therefore feeling tired easily), God is good! Monday isn't that bad afterall.
Went to walk around J8 to try to de stress though. haha. (since Kendra is such a easily stressed up girl). And i saw a U2 top that i really like.. hehehehe. I'm gonna get it tomorrow!!!
oh yes... during chapel today, i was trying to "rate" how the worship was on my own... haha. like how people do it "was the worship good today?" however...while i was trying to, i just thought that it was useless.(waste brain cells) Praise and Worship sessions are not for us to rate and judge. Worship's for God anyway. haha.
haha. alright. that's it for 5th Feb. I CANT WAIT TILL CHINESE NEW YEAR. hahahaha
good bye people! :D
you made me smile once again. :D
Sunday, February 04, 2007
just a random thought. BEAR WITH ME.
i always wondered... what do people mean by "the worship was good today" "the sermon was good today". Good in what sense? Good to what extent?(man, that sounds like Mrs J Ng asking us during history -_-) and... i don't really know if this is right or not, are we in a position to judge how "good" the sermon or worship or whatever is?
Friday, February 02, 2007
HAHA. i came across this pic while looking at my pictures folder.
it was drawn by the eldest child of the Soon family to wish me happy birthday last year. wahahahaha.
i sound horrible. hahaha. thanks to the throat infection and shouting during GEL period today. Had to brief sec 2o'07 on Family night. Goodness. THEY ROCK! I love their spirit and enthusiasm! woohoo! much better than my class last year :P... OH and they have VERY NICE teachers too. Mrs Serena Chan as Form, MRS YUE as co-form. WAHAHAHAHA. very good huh ;P
pardon me but i'm starting to have doubts. i'm starting to fear. i'm starting to lose all the ********. but... i'd persevere. i wouldn't let it go that easily.